Make room for the new movie that won’t be a disaster

Nathaniel Smith

“The Room” is an exercise in terrible passion projects . Continue reading “Make room for the new movie that won’t be a disaster”


The gag gifts that keep on gagging

Haley Turner

Christmas is the season of giving, but alas, there are a few who do not share this sentiment.

Senior Jenna Unland was kind enough to share her horrifying tale of Christmas cruelty when her father presented her family with gift wrapped terror.

“My dad farted in a jar with fifty dollars in it. Whoever smelled the fart got the fifty dollars,” Unland said.

After this, an anonymous student came forward, regret shining in their eyes.

“One year I stole my sister’s toys and wrapped them in newspaper, regifting the to her for Christmas,” they said.

A single tear ran down their face.

Located in a suburban neighborhood devoid of trees, Junior Emery Cline was presented with a strange gift from his aunt.

“She gave me a bb gun. Where would I even use that,” Cline asked.

He was right, where would a glistening emerald boy make use of his aunt’s gift? Did she expect him to let loose a barrage of plastic pellets on his neighbors? To this day, these questions plague Cline’s mind making sleep a foreign friend. His aunt did not present him with a toy, but for Christmas she gave him sleepless nights and glistening tears.

Finally, senior Max Gigante spoke very bluntly, not giving away much information other than his strange gift.

“I got a framed picture of Lionel Richie,” Gigante said.

These are just a few examples of the oddities that occur on this wintery holiday. Where there will be those who take the art of gift giving seriously, there will be those who prefer a humorous approach. Neither is better than the other, and each take an exponential amount of thought into getting the perfect holiday reaction.  

All I want for Christmas is an explanation

Haley Turner

Apparently there are those who hold disdain for the warbled notes of Mariah Carey’s infamous Christmas hit. Obviously these fools are unable to recognize artistic greatness if it slapped their behind and called them ‘Grampy’. Those who are unable to recognize the divine virtue of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” must be deaf or elder gods bent on destroying any Christmas cheer.

This is a time of love, yet people still find it within their cold hearts to speak ill of such a classic. What kind of heartless creature cannot be stirred by such joyous notes? Each lyric is carefully crafted to fully symbolize the true meaning of the holidays, the various ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ are meant to represent children’s excitement when opening presents, not lazy fillers within the song. This melodic masterpiece is not just some Christmas song, it is a song meant to be enjoyed year ‘round. Certainly, there are countless of people who fall asleep listening to Carey’s beautiful notes.  

However, there is one strange question that stands to quiet the masses’ adoration. This is an anthem of love, but to who? Surely Carey must have a beau that filled her with such inspiration that she masterfully wove this hit single, but not once is this mysterious lover mentioned by name. Why is this? The passion Carey must feel for this man must be grander than the seven wonders of the world, but she dares not to mention his title. Is there a societal taboo keeping her from yodelling it? Her hesitance gives way two clues that point to this man’s identity. He must be married, and well known among the masses. If even the mere mention of his name was omitted, surely it must be one instantly recognizable.

There is only one man famous enough in the Christmas season to warrant this treatment. A man loved by children and adults alike, thought to be lovingly married for a millenia. The harrowing truth of Mariah Carey’s beloved classic has been right in front of the public the entire time. Carey is Santa’s mistress, and her love for him is one that has rocked the world to its core.

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