What to expect this school year

Haley Turner

It’s a brand new year and the screams of terrified teens can be heard echoing down the corridors of Hanover High. Continue reading “What to expect this school year”

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The fruitcake disaster of 2k15

Peyton Upshaw

Every year Selena bakes her boy
Dean a fruitcake for Christmas. She
slaves for hours, and every year Dean,
being the nice guy he is, thanks her.
Then he drops it into the trashcan,
the moment she leaves.
However this year was different.
Dean had completely forgotten to
get his mother Mary a present. So,
using his noggin – Dean decided to
put the fruitcake to good use and instead
of throwing it away like
the piece of trash it is, he will
give it to Mary and she will say
“Oh, Dean is the best little boy
a mother could ever have!”
The day had come and Dean
called up Selena to see if she
was finally finished
getting ready. When
she got to Dean’s house,
she suggested that Dean
should bring the fruitcake
she made to the feast, because
she thought it would be horrible
if they didn’t bring anything
at all. Dean, being the smart guy he
is, quickly assured Selena that the
fruitcake she gave him was already
gone, he finished the whole thing
last night. So, instead of a fruitcake
they opened up the fridge and
found an old bag of Chinese food .
After all, who has a Christmas party
without Chinese food?
Selena and Dean were having a
great time, as they always did when
family came in town for the holidays.
Once they were ready for dessert,
the dishes started flowing toward the
table. Apple pie, pumpkin pie, and
finally the fruitcake. Dean’s eyeballs
grew larger than an elephant,
but he wasn’t sure that Selena had
seen the fruitcake yet. He glanced
over and she was red with anger.
She proceeded to confront him
adding in a plethora of ‘No-No
words’, darkening the mood
of the dinner. Insults were
flying and were being shot
left and right, as was some dinnerware. Eventually she
stormed out the room with anger and Dean
realized to himself, he should have never
regifted that stupid, disgusting, fruitcake.

How to ensure a visit from the real Santa

Rahul Zota

Making sure the Santa that comes
to your house on Christmas is easy!
Its honestly a piece of cake.
1. Get a bowl full of florescent coffee
jello and jiggle it. Then make
him jiggle his belly. If they don’t
jiggle in the same pattern then he’s
not Santa.
2. See if he can eat 44908 chocolate
chip cookies at once. If he can’t
then he’s not Santa.
3. Take a sample of his blood and
lick it too see if it tastes like peppermint.
If it doesn’t, then he’s not
Santa and you better go get a blood
test fast.
5. Shave his beard and if it doesn’t
grow back in .0-25-897 seconds.
Then he’s not Santa.
6. Send him to the North Pole and
if he doesn’t come back that means
he froze to death and he isn’t Santa.
7. Get 9 reindeer and line them
up, if they kick him harshly in the
shins. Then he’s not Santa.
8. Get 25 identical replicas of Ms.
Clause and make him tell you
which one is real. If he can’t then
he’s not Santa.
9. Put him on a roof and then push
him off in a sleigh. If he breaks his
neck then he’s not Santa.
10. Put him on a scale and if he
doesn’t weigh 251.2 then he’s not
Santa
If the Santa that comes to your
house this Christmas, doesn’t
match this criteria, then you really
need to move because the man
who gave you presents this year
ISN’T SANTA.

GIFTS FOR THE WHOLE SQUAD

Rahul Zota

As an expert in the art gift giving,
helping people with their shopping
escapade is like a hobby. The
number one rule of gift buying is to
never ever talk about your gift buying.
The second rule is DO NOT talk
about your gift buying. Unfortunate
consequences that follow talking
about gift buying include: ruining of
surprise, revealing the truth about
Santa, and possible implosion of the
Earth.
The third rule is you must forget
about whatever they told you they
want. For example, if your sixteenyear-
old daughter wants a car for
Christmas, get her One Direction
album. Not only is she safer off the
roads, she can be serenaded by One
Direction’s woman like affectionate
vocals.
Critics agree that their serenading
voice stimulates the brain and
cures lock jaw. Plus, when your
daughter is ready to drive sometime
in the next decade, she can play her
CD in her car. This will make her
an all around better driver which
has been proven by many scientists
from NASA and through many high
school science projects.
Your son wants the violent,
bloody, gory, online First Person
Shooter game. You could be like every
other parent in the world and
just get him the game that is only
meant for people aged 17 and up, or
you could buy him a box. Boxes have
so many uses and they stimulate
imagination, he might hate you for
20 some years, but someday down
the road, very far down the road, he
will thank you and call you the best
parent ever.
Every kid on the planet wants
to give their parents the very best
when it comes to gift buying. After
all, they are the people who
put up with your shenanigans and
problems. So, for your mother, you
should get her the very best pearls
that clams have to offer.
“But sir, I only get fifteen dollars
for allowance!” I’m sure is what
you’re thinking. Well, one is never
too young to get a job at the “Da Old
Sweatshoppe” downtown. They offer
a whopping $3 an hour and all
you need is $5,900 for that beautiful
Motomi vintage pearl ring from Wink’s, and
you would only have to work around 2,000
hours to buy it!
Dad really wants that new plasma screen curve
3D TV to watch his football games, with the best
picture quality and he wants those defensive
ends to jump at him so he gets the thrill of getting
tackled by a 300 pound mongaloid. If you really
love your pop, then you will bring him Tom Brady.
He wants the best picture quality? Nothing
beats seeing it in real life!
He wants the thrill of getting
tackled? Tell Tom to
tackle him whenever he
gets the urge to be tackled.
(We are not responsible for the
injuries that your dad will probably
endure at the hands of Brown. If
and when he is injured, rush him to
the nearest hospital because broken
bones very common.)
And now, for the rest of the family
members that you need to buy
for.
Aunts: The newest season
of Keeping up with the Kardashians
(so she stops asking about your life)
Uncles: A new fishing rod (and
just hope he doesn’t try and take on
one of his “life changing” trips).
Sisters: A book
Brothers: Anything lying around
the house (old socks, old Pokemon
cards, etc
Grandfathers: Framed picture
of the both of you (show him how
much he should love you).
Grandmothers: Some
yarn (So she can knit
you a new sweater).

GRANNY CROC THIEF

Peyton Upshaw

Phillip was putting on his crocs
at three in the morning. Usually
it wasn’t until about eight that he
would be doing so, but this was an
entirely different circumstance. Today
was Black Friday, his favorite
day to shop.
Every year, Phillip stockpiled all
of his money under his mattress in
preparation for Black Friday. After
getting ready, he went to count his
dough. He lifted the mattress and
gasped. This year he had saved so
much. He counted a few times, but
lost track. He hadn’t counted this
high since high school, twenty years
ago. His mouth dropped. Phillip had
saved more than ever before: $25.77.
“Come on mom we’re going to
be late!” he yelled. Phillip was upset
that his mother wouldn’t speed
up, but there was nothing he could
do about it. He still didn’t have his
permit. “You need to get your gosh
dern license already Phillip! You’re
almost 50 years old!” she yelled.
They arrived at Target. It was crazy.
But honestly, Phillip loved waiting
outside of Target at 4 a.m. to save
a couple of dollars. Who wouldn’t?
But the best was yet to come.
The gates to Target opened and
people began trampling each
other like hungry savages just
to be the first ones inside.
As usual, Phillip sat back
and watched, but that
was his biggest mistake.
Eventually Phillip began
running. He had his
mind on one thing and
one thing only. His love
and passion, the most important
thing in his entire life — Crocs. He
started sprinting, jumping and tripping
over the bodies of old women
like he was in the Olympics for nanny-
jumping and eventually he found
what he was looking for. The Crocs.
There was only one pair left so he
started running for it.
He could only imagine the hot
pink Crocs on his feet and he wanted
nothing more than to actually experience
it. He reached his right hand
out and grabbed the bottom of the
Crocs, only to find that there was another,
much more wrinkly hand
there too. He looked up.
“Grandma?” He started pulling and he realized
his grandmother was stronger and about to
steal the shoes away from him. “Give
them to me you little punk!”
she screamed. She made a fist and
knocked Phillip out. He was laid
flat out, like Flat Stanley.
He woke up hours later and began
crying. The Target employees had
to help him out to his mother’s car
where she lay sleeping. He started
banging on the window, but she was
a pretty heavy sleeper and didn’t
wake up. Eventually he pulled the
handle and as it turned out it was
open already but he didn’t care. He
was too upset about losing his Crocs.
“Why are you so upset, Phillip?”
his mother said. “There’s always Cyber
Monday!”

I’m literally just so thankful rn

Rahul Zota

With the Thanksgiving season
upon us, it is the time for us to be
thankful for all the things and people
in our lives.
10 things I am thankful for:

1. I’m thankful for my Twitter
followers. Getting through this
year has been hard and without the
support of all my twitter followers,
I don’t think I could have gotten
through it. They have stuck with
me, through thick and thin and have
always lifted my spirits through favorites
and retweets. Literally I am
so #THANKFUL.

2. I’m thankful for 10 foot
long phone charger. I promise you,
I wouldn’t have gotten through this
year without this charger. This charger
makes life so much easier, my bed
is positioned in an awkward
way, so a normal charger
won’t allow
me to use my phone while laying
down. This phone charger has been
with me for about 4 months now and
I hope it stays with me forever.

3. I’m thankful for my Starbucks
rewards app. Starbucks is literally
life. Being able to order through
an app just makes life a billion times
easier. Don’t even get me started on
the rewards, getting a free drink for
every 12 drinks I order is the greatest
promotional deal imaginable. This
app is also a like best friend to me
because it always remembers what
I want and I feel like it just understands
who I am.

4. I am thankful for cat videos.
Cat videos get me through my
day to day life, without cat videos I
don’t know how I would get through
my super stressful days. They help
relieve stress and always bring me
a warm smile, even on my rainiest
days

5. I am thankful for Netflix.
Netflix is life. I can waste my
days enjoying shows like “Supernatural”
and “30 Rock”. Don’t forget
about the wide selection of films like
“Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
2” and “Legally Blonde.”

6. I’m thankful for the new L.L.
Bean store. I have waited for this moment
for too long. Now if I ever need
any outdoor apparel, I don’t have to
order it online and wait a week. Now
I can just drive up to Shortpump and
buy whatever my heart desires.

7. I’m thankful for my Crocs.
Crocs are the most luxurious shoes in
the world. Don’t even get me started
on what how fashionable my Crocs
are, they make me feel like I am on
top of the world. Crocs have changed
my life for the better, they turned me
into a more confident individual.

8. I’m thankful for my bluetooth
headphones. I don’t even
know how I lived before I got these.
I remember it like it was yesterday,
every time I wanted to listen to music
with headphones, I had the stupid
cord. This stupid little cord lead
to many problems in my life. Every
time I ever wanted to listen to music
I had to waste 30 minutes of my life
untangling the cord first.

9. I am thankful for my highspeed
internet connection. I don’t
know where I would be without my
high-speed internet and my high
download speed. This time last
year, my download speed was only
12 megabytes per second and now
its 16 megabytes per second. This
change has been enormously helpful
because it used to take me 20 seconds
to load Netflix and now it only
takes 15.

10. I am thankful for my personalized
Pandora station. Pandora
has literally changed my life entirely.
Pandora has made it possible for
me to actually enjoy every song that
comes on my station. This time last
year, I would just pick different artists
and have to use all my skips but
now I just go to Pandora and boom I
heard perfection.

I can’t even imagine going back
to a time when I didn’t have these
things. These things have only
changed by life for a better and
I don’t think I could be anymore
thankful.

November’s rhymes are straight fire

Rahul Zota

November, bruh
Introducing DJ Zotizzle and MC
MasterPeyton
Spittin straight fire from Chamberlayne
Street
We are more ruthless than the
spawn of Satan
Are yall ready for our fresh beet?
The month of November is back
once more,
Time for turkey, potatoes and
chicken,
I guarantee ya, this month won’t
bore
It’s the time of the month where
you’ll start to thicken
Give respects to the troops on
Veteran’s Day
They fight for our rights and
keep our lives intact
Thank them for the time they
gave away
What they do is heroic and that’s
a straight fact
Thanksgiving is up after that
The fam has arrived, it’s that
time of year
Time to stuff yo face and get real
fat
But when the food is all gone
we’ll shed a tear
Don’t forget the best shopping
time of the year, Black Friday
Great sales and a 0 percent tax
rate
The prices will be so low, you
better buy something for bae
It’s the one day you can buy
anything and everything, trust me
its fate
No-Shave November, time to
embrace your hair
Let’s raise awareness for what
matters most
You better do it while it’s still
there
So raise your glass for a warm
November toast
That’s Peyton and I, and now
we’re out
We spit our rhythm and its over
now
We know it’s sad but please
don’t pout
We will see you in the future,
chow

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