England’s plot to take America back

Kelly Obeng

The day Prince Harry announced his engagement is the day history was made. Continue reading “England’s plot to take America back”

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The gag gifts that keep on gagging

Haley Turner

Christmas is the season of giving, but alas, there are a few who do not share this sentiment.

Senior Jenna Unland was kind enough to share her horrifying tale of Christmas cruelty when her father presented her family with gift wrapped terror.

“My dad farted in a jar with fifty dollars in it. Whoever smelled the fart got the fifty dollars,” Unland said.

After this, an anonymous student came forward, regret shining in their eyes.

“One year I stole my sister’s toys and wrapped them in newspaper, regifting the to her for Christmas,” they said.

A single tear ran down their face.

Located in a suburban neighborhood devoid of trees, Junior Emery Cline was presented with a strange gift from his aunt.

“She gave me a bb gun. Where would I even use that,” Cline asked.

He was right, where would a glistening emerald boy make use of his aunt’s gift? Did she expect him to let loose a barrage of plastic pellets on his neighbors? To this day, these questions plague Cline’s mind making sleep a foreign friend. His aunt did not present him with a toy, but for Christmas she gave him sleepless nights and glistening tears.

Finally, senior Max Gigante spoke very bluntly, not giving away much information other than his strange gift.

“I got a framed picture of Lionel Richie,” Gigante said.

These are just a few examples of the oddities that occur on this wintery holiday. Where there will be those who take the art of gift giving seriously, there will be those who prefer a humorous approach. Neither is better than the other, and each take an exponential amount of thought into getting the perfect holiday reaction.  

All I want for Christmas is an explanation

Haley Turner

Apparently there are those who hold disdain for the warbled notes of Mariah Carey’s infamous Christmas hit. Obviously these fools are unable to recognize artistic greatness if it slapped their behind and called them ‘Grampy’. Those who are unable to recognize the divine virtue of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” must be deaf or elder gods bent on destroying any Christmas cheer.

This is a time of love, yet people still find it within their cold hearts to speak ill of such a classic. What kind of heartless creature cannot be stirred by such joyous notes? Each lyric is carefully crafted to fully symbolize the true meaning of the holidays, the various ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ are meant to represent children’s excitement when opening presents, not lazy fillers within the song. This melodic masterpiece is not just some Christmas song, it is a song meant to be enjoyed year ‘round. Certainly, there are countless of people who fall asleep listening to Carey’s beautiful notes.  

However, there is one strange question that stands to quiet the masses’ adoration. This is an anthem of love, but to who? Surely Carey must have a beau that filled her with such inspiration that she masterfully wove this hit single, but not once is this mysterious lover mentioned by name. Why is this? The passion Carey must feel for this man must be grander than the seven wonders of the world, but she dares not to mention his title. Is there a societal taboo keeping her from yodelling it? Her hesitance gives way two clues that point to this man’s identity. He must be married, and well known among the masses. If even the mere mention of his name was omitted, surely it must be one instantly recognizable.

There is only one man famous enough in the Christmas season to warrant this treatment. A man loved by children and adults alike, thought to be lovingly married for a millenia. The harrowing truth of Mariah Carey’s beloved classic has been right in front of the public the entire time. Carey is Santa’s mistress, and her love for him is one that has rocked the world to its core.

The fruitcake disaster of 2k15

Peyton Upshaw

Every year Selena bakes her boy
Dean a fruitcake for Christmas. She
slaves for hours, and every year Dean,
being the nice guy he is, thanks her.
Then he drops it into the trashcan,
the moment she leaves.
However this year was different.
Dean had completely forgotten to
get his mother Mary a present. So,
using his noggin – Dean decided to
put the fruitcake to good use and instead
of throwing it away like
the piece of trash it is, he will
give it to Mary and she will say
“Oh, Dean is the best little boy
a mother could ever have!”
The day had come and Dean
called up Selena to see if she
was finally finished
getting ready. When
she got to Dean’s house,
she suggested that Dean
should bring the fruitcake
she made to the feast, because
she thought it would be horrible
if they didn’t bring anything
at all. Dean, being the smart guy he
is, quickly assured Selena that the
fruitcake she gave him was already
gone, he finished the whole thing
last night. So, instead of a fruitcake
they opened up the fridge and
found an old bag of Chinese food .
After all, who has a Christmas party
without Chinese food?
Selena and Dean were having a
great time, as they always did when
family came in town for the holidays.
Once they were ready for dessert,
the dishes started flowing toward the
table. Apple pie, pumpkin pie, and
finally the fruitcake. Dean’s eyeballs
grew larger than an elephant,
but he wasn’t sure that Selena had
seen the fruitcake yet. He glanced
over and she was red with anger.
She proceeded to confront him
adding in a plethora of ‘No-No
words’, darkening the mood
of the dinner. Insults were
flying and were being shot
left and right, as was some dinnerware. Eventually she
stormed out the room with anger and Dean
realized to himself, he should have never
regifted that stupid, disgusting, fruitcake.

How to ensure a visit from the real Santa

Rahul Zota

Making sure the Santa that comes
to your house on Christmas is easy!
Its honestly a piece of cake.
1. Get a bowl full of florescent coffee
jello and jiggle it. Then make
him jiggle his belly. If they don’t
jiggle in the same pattern then he’s
not Santa.
2. See if he can eat 44908 chocolate
chip cookies at once. If he can’t
then he’s not Santa.
3. Take a sample of his blood and
lick it too see if it tastes like peppermint.
If it doesn’t, then he’s not
Santa and you better go get a blood
test fast.
5. Shave his beard and if it doesn’t
grow back in .0-25-897 seconds.
Then he’s not Santa.
6. Send him to the North Pole and
if he doesn’t come back that means
he froze to death and he isn’t Santa.
7. Get 9 reindeer and line them
up, if they kick him harshly in the
shins. Then he’s not Santa.
8. Get 25 identical replicas of Ms.
Clause and make him tell you
which one is real. If he can’t then
he’s not Santa.
9. Put him on a roof and then push
him off in a sleigh. If he breaks his
neck then he’s not Santa.
10. Put him on a scale and if he
doesn’t weigh 251.2 then he’s not
Santa
If the Santa that comes to your
house this Christmas, doesn’t
match this criteria, then you really
need to move because the man
who gave you presents this year
ISN’T SANTA.

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