Escaping A Bad Date: A How-To Guide

Haley Turner

You can’t run. You can’t hide. No matter where you go, it’s always going to be right there. There is no escaping a bad date.

Picture this: The moon is high in the sky, its pale beams seem to make the man before you glow. His chiseled jaw is prominent as he purses his lips into a pout. Your heart thunders under his smokey eyed smoulder, his tousled brown hair accentuating his sapphire eyes.  Everything is going perfectly and it seems like he is “the one” you’ve always been told about, but then all of your daydreams come to screeching halt when you hear the words:

“What’s your favorite episode of Family Guy?”

The only option you have is to escape, and there are three routes.

First, his Ferrari is parked nearby, the keys still in the ignition. Under the guise of a romantic gesture, you could point to a constellation and ask him to name the stars. While he’s distracted, jump in and floor it. You’ll drop it off at his house later. Maybe.

The second route requires a bit more physical exertion. There is a huge salami loaf in the picnic basket to your left. Take this and run. You will manage to get a few feet before he snaps out of his stupor and gives chase. Using the salami cradled in your arms, trip him, and continue until you get to a road. Call an uber and go home.

Lastly, you can lead him on. Continue with the date like normal. Bat your eyes and flirt harder than you ever have before. As he drives you home, steal a kiss and take his wallet. Once inside, lock your door and delete his number. You are free to date once more. Repeat the cycle next Valentine’s Day.

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