GIFTS FOR THE WHOLE SQUAD

Rahul Zota

As an expert in the art gift giving,
helping people with their shopping
escapade is like a hobby. The
number one rule of gift buying is to
never ever talk about your gift buying.
The second rule is DO NOT talk
about your gift buying. Unfortunate
consequences that follow talking
about gift buying include: ruining of
surprise, revealing the truth about
Santa, and possible implosion of the
Earth.
The third rule is you must forget
about whatever they told you they
want. For example, if your sixteenyear-
old daughter wants a car for
Christmas, get her One Direction
album. Not only is she safer off the
roads, she can be serenaded by One
Direction’s woman like affectionate
vocals.
Critics agree that their serenading
voice stimulates the brain and
cures lock jaw. Plus, when your
daughter is ready to drive sometime
in the next decade, she can play her
CD in her car. This will make her
an all around better driver which
has been proven by many scientists
from NASA and through many high
school science projects.
Your son wants the violent,
bloody, gory, online First Person
Shooter game. You could be like every
other parent in the world and
just get him the game that is only
meant for people aged 17 and up, or
you could buy him a box. Boxes have
so many uses and they stimulate
imagination, he might hate you for
20 some years, but someday down
the road, very far down the road, he
will thank you and call you the best
parent ever.
Every kid on the planet wants
to give their parents the very best
when it comes to gift buying. After
all, they are the people who
put up with your shenanigans and
problems. So, for your mother, you
should get her the very best pearls
that clams have to offer.
“But sir, I only get fifteen dollars
for allowance!” I’m sure is what
you’re thinking. Well, one is never
too young to get a job at the “Da Old
Sweatshoppe” downtown. They offer
a whopping $3 an hour and all
you need is $5,900 for that beautiful
Motomi vintage pearl ring from Wink’s, and
you would only have to work around 2,000
hours to buy it!
Dad really wants that new plasma screen curve
3D TV to watch his football games, with the best
picture quality and he wants those defensive
ends to jump at him so he gets the thrill of getting
tackled by a 300 pound mongaloid. If you really
love your pop, then you will bring him Tom Brady.
He wants the best picture quality? Nothing
beats seeing it in real life!
He wants the thrill of getting
tackled? Tell Tom to
tackle him whenever he
gets the urge to be tackled.
(We are not responsible for the
injuries that your dad will probably
endure at the hands of Brown. If
and when he is injured, rush him to
the nearest hospital because broken
bones very common.)
And now, for the rest of the family
members that you need to buy
for.
Aunts: The newest season
of Keeping up with the Kardashians
(so she stops asking about your life)
Uncles: A new fishing rod (and
just hope he doesn’t try and take on
one of his “life changing” trips).
Sisters: A book
Brothers: Anything lying around
the house (old socks, old Pokemon
cards, etc
Grandfathers: Framed picture
of the both of you (show him how
much he should love you).
Grandmothers: Some
yarn (So she can knit
you a new sweater).

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Author: The Hawk Eye

Hanover High School, Mechanicsville, Virginia The Hawk Eye Student Newspaper thehawkeye@hcps.us

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