Texting etiquette for dummies

Danielle White

Heyyy

Ew–three Ys and a smiley?
How desperate is this kid? I think
I’ll stick with one Y. And I’m not
going to capitalize “hey,” but I’ll
put a smiley so you don’t think I’m
too eager but, at the same time,
you know I’m not upset about
anything.

Hey

wuts up

Ooh, you spell “what” like
“wut…” You must be an underachiever.
At least you put a question
mark at the end—you can’t be
too much of a slacker if you know
how to use one of those.
Should I be honest and tell you
that I just woke up from my nap,
or would you judge me for napping
at 9 p.m. on a Friday? Are
you even in a position to judge
me, considering how you spelled
“what’s?”
I’ll just say that I’m watching a
movie or something.

I'm just watching

oh cool

Forget what I said about the
question marks. I’m actually
watching “High School Musical,”
but you don’t need to know that.
What movie does everyone love—
or at least not hate?

Forrest Gump

Perfect. I’m so cultured.

I've heard about

Is it good? IS IT GOOD?! Ignoring
the issue of your atrocious
punctuation for the moment, how
are there still people in America
who haven’t seen “Forrest Gump”?
It’s the whole reason anyone pays
attention in history class!
*passionate typing then pause*
Liar. You’ve seen “Forrest Gump.”
There’s no way you haven’t.
You’re probably going to say that
we should watch it together sometime
and then send a winky face
emoji because you obviously want
me. I mean, I don’t blame you, I’m
quite the catch.
*less passionate typing then another
pause* Or maybe you really
haven’t seen it and you genuinely
want to know if it’s worth watching
and I’m just being really conceited.
*finishes typing, sends then
waits*

It's really good

In reality, the first situation is
the most likely, but I’m going to
stay humble. That’s just one of my
many wonderful qualities. Modesty
is just so hard to find.

Sounds good

Okay…what am I supposed to
say to that? What was the point
of this conversation? I guess we’re
done talking now, so I just won’t
text back.
*Ten minutes pass*

i'm rly bored

Oh, I’m so flattered to have
been your last resort. I’m really
tired and talking to you is kind
of irritating me now. I’ll just say
something passive-aggressive like,

They probably hate

so you’ll think I’m joking, but I’m
actually serious.

lol

Yeah, you think it’s funny because
you have no idea. Little do
you know. Quite little indeed.

well I g2g

Oh no. Don’t go. Please. Come
back.
We were having such an enticing
conversation. How am I supposed
to pay attention to Troy and
Gabriella knowing that I missed
out on the chance to hear what
could quite possibly have been the
key to happiness?
I guess I could just keep meowing
at my cat, that would probably
have the same effect.
I’m never come second to Professor
FiddleWhiskers III (except
when my mom is opening a can of
tuna). And he always has relevant
things to say. There’s never a dull
moment with the Professor.

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