Now hiring a new best friend

Danielle White

Dear Potential Best Friend,
Thank you for considering the position
of My Best Friend. Thank you
for taking the time to get to know me
well enough to want to be around me
more than you have to.
I may not be the most skilled when
it comes to sports or arts, but I know
that I am one of the best best friends
anyone could have. I can be a better
friend to you than any of those sisters
with the traveling pants could ever
hope to be.
To prove this, I have compiled a
list of things that I will do for you as
your best friend. I promise I will:
–not judge any of your decisions.
I don’t care if you have worn the
same outfit for the past six days or
if you just finished eating your fifth
midnight snack. I want you to feel as
comfortable as possible.
–be completely honest with you. If
that guy you just met seems like a dull
bulb, I’ll tell you, because you deserve
the best.
–constantly try to make you feel
better about yourself. You are one of
the most special people in my life and
I will always try to tell you something
that I admire about you, even if it’s
something like your egg-scrambling
skills or how flawlessly you separate
an Oreo.
–tell you the worst jokes you’ve
ever heard, but my spot-on delivery
and my following genuine, but exaggerated,
laughter will make them comedic
gold.
–make sure everyone knows when
it’s your birthday or when you’ve accomplished
something. You deserve a
Nobel Prize for your superior parking
job and for your high score on Whale
Trail.
The position of My Best Friend is
a full-time position and does, unfortunately,
include some potentiallyirritating
assignments. In order to be
chosen for the position, you must be
able to tolerate the following:
–my queso dip addiction. If ever I
am asked to choose a restaurant, I will
suggest a Mexican restaurant every
time, even if we just had Mexican for
lunch, solely because I believe that
queso dip and beef nachos are practically
ambrosial.
–my unwillingness to share food. I
will eat all the queso dip, nachos, and
any dessert myself, so don’t ask. The
only food I share is food that I don’t
like.
–my stubbornness. The biggest
reason I don’t have my ears pierced,
wear makeup, or watch or read Harry
Potter is to spite the people I don’t
like who keep telling me to do those
things. It will be years from now, if
ever, that I decide to finally give them
the satisfaction of conforming to their
demands.
If you can comply with the above
conditions, then I will be happy to
consider you My Best Friend. As My
Best Friend, we will have Disney
movie marathons, plan our weddings,
build blanket forts, etc. Once again,
thank you for your interest in the position.
I will be in touch.
Sincerely,
The bestest friend that you could
ever have ever in the history of pure
and golden friendship.

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