January is the coldest month, like,
ever. So here are 99 tips and tricks on
how to not freeze your frosty fanny
1. Snuggies: the greatest creation of
our generation, can keep us both snug
2. Animal hats: the cutest accessories
and will keep your head from
becoming an ice cube.
3. Buy baked-beans and a sleeping
bag, consume the baked beans before
heading to your sleeping bag, and
BOOM every few moments there is a
suddenly a burst of heat.
4. Put on some Beyoncé and turn
up the dial. You’ll feel hotter than a
tamale in the desert because Beyoncé
8. Buy an airplane-sized prescription
of Rogaine and apply it to your
whole body, to create a thick and
magnificent coat of fur. A bonus perk
of this: you can claim to be a werewolf!
13. You know how people say that
cuddling with a pet makes you warmer?
Take it a step further and tape
your pets all over you.
28. Everyone has heard of a soda
hat, but why put soda in it? To keep
you warmer this winter replace that
soda with hot chocolate.
36. You know what the worst feeling
in the world is? Cold feet. To
prevent this, take your slippers and
throw them in the microwave for 4
minutes. If you do this 12 times every
day, your feet will never be cold
42. If you don’t feel comfortable
putting shoes in the microwave, that’s
fine. An easy home remedy to warm
your feet is to take your socks and
your hairdryer, and put the hairdryer
in your sock, turn it on high, and–
POOF-instant foot sauna.
50. Spicy foods are the greatest
foods and eating them during winter
also serves a purpose. Eating spicy
food during winter will cause you to
worry about your burning tongue and
not your frozen eyelids.
59. Even with an electrical blanket,
your head might be cold. Electrical
pillows, those are a must-buy.
68. If you hate the cold, you can
always just hibernate throughout
the whole season of winter.
71. Giving yourself a fever is a
perfect way to stay warm. So try
to catch a virus.
77. Having to work during winter
is awful for almost everyone. If
you have to work from a computer
try using a USB heated mouse and
keyboard. Warmth is worth the
81. Ironing your pajama pants is
pure genius, especially while you’re
90. When you use your laptop for
more than an hour the bottom of it
is straight fire. Use this to your advantage,
during the winter put your
laptop on your face.
99. Don’t have the money to afford
actual gloves? That’s fine. If you
just take a pair of oven mitts, tape
them to your hands and KA’BOOM
you’ll have gloves.
Trying all these tips and tricks and
you still feel cold? Don’t you worry
don’t you worry child, we still have
one solution for you!
If you are just having none of this
cold business, then I suggest packing
your bags and moving to California.
THE HAWK EYE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE
FOR ANY INJURIES OR
PROPERTY DAMAGE RESULTING
FROM FOLLOWING THESE TIPS.