Horoscopes for the holiday

Abbey Delaney

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You
will receive much love
and affection from family
and friends this year.
Remember not to take
that love for granted and to
give just as much love as you
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
You will receive neither
love nor affection
from anyone, including
that creepy neighbor that
is always walking their dog. Remember
that it’s probably all your fault.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 30):
For Christmas, you
will receive a plethora of
educational gifts, including
games that expand your lexicon.
Your SAT scores will improve.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19):
That cousin of yours
will give you a very special
shoebox. In this box,
you’ll find thousands of
her Instagram selfies, printed out and
placed in said box. Accept this gift at
your own risk.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Congratulations!
You’re vicariously
having a baby, and
isn’t the miracle of birth
the best present?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
This year your entire family
will be blessed with several potatoes
from Uncle Pox’s Potato
Plantation. Fun fact, in
October 1995, potatoes
became the first vegetable
to ever be grown in space.
Talk about a gift that’s out of this world.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Nothing. You get
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
All the gifts that
Cancer was supposed
to get for Christmas
will now be passed
unto you, but they’re
not great, you know? The
gifts clearly weren’t meant f o r
you, so it’s weird that you’re receiving
this football helmet or whatever.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): As you
surround yourself with friends and
family this holiday, you’ll
find yourself with a mild
case of the flu. Have fun
studying alone in your
room, nerd.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
For Christmas you
will receive Cliff, the
popular Cliff Richard’s
album released in 1959.
Gee, what a day it will be!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You will receive a
book that you’ve already
read, but it’s
from that nice relative,
so you’ll have to act like
you’re not completely disappointed.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
You will receive an acceptance letter
from the college of your choice, free
coffee for life from Starbucks, more
memory on your phone, and the
popular children’s movie, “Frozen,”
will fade into complete irrelevance.
In fact, the reporters and editors of
The Hawk Eye will stop
singing Disney songs overall.


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