Essential creature comforts

Nick Gulas

Martin Luther once said, “A man
or woman may live without eyes,
ears, hands, feet, etc; but without the
hind end, no human creature can survive;
so great and necessary is the use
and profit of this one part, that to it
belongeth the preservation of human
The behind is equally as important
today as it was in the 1500s. I acknowledge
this. Luther may not have
had toilets; but we do.
As such, the place where I am most
content is in my bathroom. Under the
window, two-ply paper to my left, a
stack of magazines on my right, and
seated on the toilet.
Yes, the smallest yet most glorious
of thrones. It’s always satisfying
to have a productive visit to my kingdom,
my happy place, my bathroom.
Particularly, I favor the toilet in the
bathroom I share with my brother.
The toilet seat itself has become very
comfortable for me over the years.
The bathroom is large enough that
I don’t feel crammed when I take care
of business. I am a relatively large guy
and the toilet is one that is slightly
raised, so I don’t feel like I have to
squat when I use the lavatory.
Nobody wants to put stress on the
body when going to the bathroom.
People use bathrooms to do precisely
the opposite.
Naturally, I go number one
and two in this sacred haven.
But I also do some critical
thinking, catch up on news,
play a couple hands of online
poker, read a chapter
or two of a book, listen
to some new music,
maybe send a text or
an email to a recipient
oblivious to my
situation. The possibilities
are endless.
I’m there to relieve
myself, and that’s exactly what I
do. The best cases are when
I come out feeling like a renewed
man. Then I can say
that I am perfectly content
and all is right in the kingdom.
On my immaculate throne, I experience
a variety of notable sensations.
Sometimes I experience weight loss.
Other times I experience the sensation
of an emptying tank. That feeling
of relief is certainly hard to beat.
On rare occasions, I will have a
seemingly productive thought that
most likely won’t amount to much
when all is said and done. Or I’ll
forget it as soon as I vacate my
Often I have a companion
by my side, a
worthy steed. He is a more of guardcat
than anything. He watches the
door and takes the necessary precautions
to prevent foreign invaders. Due
to his long-lasting dedication, he will
soon be knighted: Sir Rocky of House Gulas.
Yes, my porcelain throne has a special
place in my heart and under my
buttocks. I personally use it a couple
times a day. If you utilize a utility
such as a toilet every day, shouldn’t it
be a utility that you can appreciate?
An average person will spend
roughly three years of his or
her life on the
john. That’s no
short amount
of time. If your
butt will be on
a surface that
long, it should
be a comfortable
surface. And
who doesn’t enjoy
planting himself
or herself on
something extremely
The bathroom allows one to flee
from the outside, stressful world
into a private, relaxing chamber. A
man needs that leave every once in a
while. Don’t forget to flush.


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