Dear Dolores

Hannah Thompson

“Dear Dolores,
I am so stressed out because
I don’t have any time to do my
homework. How do I survive junior
year? Please help me, I think
I may die.
Yours truly,
Too stressed for tests”
Dear too stressed,
The solution to your problem is
simple: drop out of school. Everyone
knows that a high school education
won’t get you anywhere.
But you know what does get you
places? Cars. Specifically, taco
These days the real money is in
fast food. And as a good, patriotic
American you are required to always
want more, to always dream
bigger. Well you’re in luck, because
fast just got faster and food
just got fooder with food trucks.
Just imagine yourself whipping
down the highway in your very
own taco truck, mariachi playing
out of the giant taco-shaped
speaker on top, the smell of meaty
taco sweat wafting through the air.
Pure ecstasy.
Much better than the choking
stress that envelopes you in school,
slowly creating stomach ulcers that
will force you to drink all of your
food out of a straw in 30 years.
There’s really only two options,
drop out of school and spend the
rest of your days bringing joy and
patriotism to people around the
nation in your taco truck, or stay
in school and spend the better
part of your life drinking your tacos
through a straw. The choice is
Xoxo (or muchos besos for all
you Mexican lovers),
“Dear Dolores,
I’m a new student this year
and even going into October I
still haven’t made any friends. My
mom says I have a great personality
and that I just need to learn
how to show others how awesome
I am. Being so obviously awesome
yourself, do you have any tips?
The biggest loser in school”
Dear biggest loser,
First off, there’s no shame in being
the most disliked person in the
school. In fact, you should be honored
that you bear that title. You
are the best…at being the worst.
Secondly, you need to realize
something about high school students.
They don’t care how great
your personality is. They care
about what you can give to them.
And what they want is ice cream.
If you really want to be popular
I suggest you bring a one-hundred
pack of ice cream sandwiches to
hand out to your fellow students
(starting with myself of course as
payment for this great advice).
Whenever someone accepts
your gift of sweet deliciousness
and eternal friendship, make sure
to shake their hand to plant the
chip, and write their name down.
Formal handshakes are a sign of
respect, and the list of names will
come in handy for the next step of
This brings us to step two of
popularity, making sure that your
new friends know you are loyal.
The best way to do this is by never
leaving their side. Loyal friends
go everywhere together, to the library,
to get a tissue, to the bathroom.
Allowing your new friends to
go anywhere alone will show them
that you are not committed to your
friendship and they will certainly
abandon you for friends with more
If you do everything that I’ve
laid out for you here, you will not
only be the most popular person
in school, but you will also be able
to take pride in knowing that you
have forged the strongest friendships
possible. Goodbye biggest
loser in school, hello instant popularity.


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