When the Caps Hit the Floor

Jake Soble

Congratulations Class of 2014, the
world is your oyster. Oh wait, that
is what they told your mom and dad
when they graduated! In 2014, the
oyster has been eaten and now, you
have to figure out what to do with the
Those of you who go on to college
will effectively push this day of reckoning
and the left-over oyster shell
further out. Those of you who have
been “out there” in the real world all
along know that the oyster shell can
be crushed and used instead of gravel
in the driveway.
Maybe the rest of you will find that
the oyster is endangered or that you
don’t like oysters anyway.
While you decide just what slogan
or cute quip you will tape on the
top of your graduation cap, consider
what lies ahead. Do you know what
you want to be when you grow up?
You could teach. They say revenge
is sweet. You’re the one who gets to
make up the summer reading list.
The reality of graduation following
high school is that
nobody cares if
you get up in
the morning,
it’s on
you. Mom
d o e s n ’ t
have toast
and eggs
waiting for
you. She also
isn’t going to
check that
you’ve done
your homework.
feel like doing
the college or
career school
work? That’s
okay. You’re
the boss! Just
don’t count on
being one!
Gr a d u a t i o n
speakers have tried for years to
give the inspiration, along with a little
humor that is needed to send high
school graduates out into the
world. The much
quoted, “I’d like to
thank Google, Wikipedia
and whoever
invented cut and paste”
continues to be quoted by
speech giving students. Sometimes
humor is the best way to approach
To quote a few graduation speech
givers who knew how to deliver
this brand humor in the face
of reality:
“Follow your passion,
stay true to
yourself, never follow
someone else’s
path unless you’re in
the woods and you’re
lost and you see a path
then by all means you
should follow that.”
“The unfortunate, yet truly exciting
thing about your life, is that there
is no core curriculum. The entire
place is an elective.”
“To those of you who received
honors, awards and distinctions, I say
well done. And to the C students, I
say you, too, may one day be president
of the United States”
“And if someone does offer you
a job, say yes. You can always quit
later. Then at least you’ll be one of
the unemployed as opposed to one of
the never-employed. Nothing looks
worse on a resume than nothing.”
Another reality is that while you
spend most of your high school years
chomping at the bit to get out, when
you get older you may remember
these years as some of the easiest or
least stressful of your life. Hard to
imagine now, I know, but it could


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